Memoirs of a Mellow Mastermind

So I've been looking at some old friend's myspaces (bad idea almost always) but this time it wasn't so bad. I saw what I was around... what I was surrounding myself with, I wasn't opening my eyes to the ENTIRE situation. What did I think was going to happen? That I was just going to spend my life in that atmosphere?

I'm not sure where I would have ended up if the universe didn't give me a reality check. It almost feels like the universe grabbed my shoulders, started shaking me, and yelled "SNAP OUT OF IT! LOOK AT WHERE YOU ARE!!" being high all the time clouds that. I felt like I was on some great adventure, but that adventure was russian roulette. I lost the game, but luckily not my life.

I've come to realize tonight, good friends will stick by your side when you need them, great friends know when let you go.

That only makes sense in the case of 1 or 2 people that were in my life. I care about them a lot. I miss them dearly, but I'm glad that at least one of us had the maturity to recognize that we're on two very different paths, and allowed me to walk mine uninterrupted.

I have this tendancy to blow things out of proportion. I met a girl... but that isn't what I'm blowing out of proportion. I feel ignored... lonely.. the works. Sure things are going great (mediocre grades aside) but I just feel lonesome and left out. I've been in this situation before, and it feels like nothing works. Trying to talk to people about it just makes me look pathedic and pushes people away because I seem intense, and then there's just not doing anything which lets it run its course and people drift away... so either route I'm fucked. I'm getting too old to be emo, so I think I'll keep my mouth shut.

It's like there's this very immature side of me... maybe it's just insecurity... well, to me that seems immature. I'm secretly rather depressed =/

...I've never really been a happy person. Maybe it's... ah fuck it, I'm too worn out to try to analyze it.

I hope that girl likes me, or is gay at least, she smells so nice... she's so gorgeous too. She's 28... hehe....

Sigh.

Why am I the way I am? Did I choose this? If so... when? How? Can I un-choose it?

.....

I need a cigarette. Fuck this universe, fuck this life. Fuck it. Just fuck it. Yeah I'm emotional, when am I not emotional? W/e, I'm just a moody person. That's all there is to it. I can't fucking accept that. I don't want to be who I am.

...so change it, I think. How? and to what? I don't like the opposite either. What other options are there? What the fuck am I doing?

So I've been developing this crush on this person I shouldn't have a crush on. Unfortunately, it's one of those crushes that the more I'm around them... the harder I fall.. =/

...I wanna be with her soooo bad... it hurts. I know as soon as she starts dating someone I'm gonna be stewing and angry and go through like a million cigarettes. I wish she wasn't straight. Maybe she isn't and she doesn't realize it!!! ...... yeah how often does that happen.

but people have accused her of being bi!!!! ....... yeah..... THAT'S SOMETHING RIGHT???

... we're just so damn perfect for each other. We could do amazing things together... I would love her so much if she let me.

... ugh I'm an awful person.

.........I just know all this is gonna spill out terribly one night that involves alcohol of some sort.

:)

I'm beginning to see who I'm really meant to be and not who I thought I was supposed to be. My truth is grounded more in reality and practicality, not conceptualization and theory.

goodnight.

Wow... if I ever thought I was pompous now, I should just go back and read my old journal. Holy shit, I was an ARROGANT ASS. I made things so unnecisarily wordy... gogo being 16. Anyway, tonight was the super bowl, I help JT with her super bowl party that I couldn't stay for because they were smoking pot and drinking beer. So when I left as people were arriving, I treated myself to some chicken wings, they were yummy.

I looked at my old journal, I've realized that I've effected a lot of people. I feel... necesary. :)

I've been thinking a lot today about identity... and my own identity. Others identities also cross my mind. We're a species that needs to feel identified, labeled. We don't want negative labels (or rather what we see to be negative). I'm losing track of where I'm going with this. My point is that our society is powered by how we see other people, and other people are powered by how others see them.

It's a strange cycle, it's inescapable, I was thrown into a world like this. Why? I'm baffled. It's hard to imagine any other way of living.

Where the fuck am I going? I have no fucking clue where this is all taking me. Life's getting more complicated, my slouch is getting stronger.
I actually had a great day. I've been having great days, it's a good change. I feel like a million bucks, but it still doesn't make me less confused.

I would like a girlfriend. That would be fun.

So yeah, I'm here at UCF, things are going pretty well. I ended up finding a roommate that makes me feel like the scum of the earth. Why? Because she's fucking perfect, and not the annoying kind of perfect, or the goody goody kind of perfect. I mean, the perfect kind of perfect.

She is the kindest, most genuine person. I don't feel like I deserve to live with someone that great. Sounds rediculous, but I'm serious. She's great. I hope she doesn't think I'm scum =/ I think I'm a nice person... not as nice as her though!

WOW insecurity is SO fun...

Srsly, I'm being so silly. Anyway, things are good. Haven't seen much of JT, but she gave me a printer today! Well, borrowed rather, I don't wanna steal a printer from her, I'm sure it cost a bunch. It looks nice.

I bought food, a sweat shirt thing, lots of apartment stuff. It's gonna really suck when she moves out in summer, maybe I'll be moved out too, who knows... she has all the stuff! Anyway, I'm babbling... did I mention she wants to get into BOOK PUBLISHING!........ I KNO RITE!!!11

PERFECT.

Anyway. Yah, that's about it. Well, there's more but it's boring, well... more boring... well... w/e.

I feel like I left the community that is focused on some of the things that I claim to be focused on. I'm not really sure where to go anymore.

I have this horrible sinking feeling that my most recent ex is internet stalking me and is probably reading this. I wish I could remember if I gave him the url to this. I can't stand that kid, breaking up with him was one of the best things I have ever done. He still checks the guild forums on a regular basis, that's really reallly pathedic considering that he's selling his account.

No seriously matt, if you do continue to read this, stop wasting your time on people that you irritate to no end. I have ZERO regrets about ending it. And haven't had ANY.

At least I could always be worse. I could be stalking someone who never liked me that much in the first place. It sounds harsh, but as I put in my previous post, I was not put on this earth to help people. I was put on it, to do my thing.

Anyway, I must be doing something right, I just manifested my dad and he asked me to go to Tark's with him. WOOOT.

I have this feeling that I could go blind at any moment. Literally, blind. Like my vision is going.

I turned on my very first laptop. It was interesting. I forgot who I was when I was 16, no wonder adults treat kids like crap. They really can't remember what it is like.

Anyway, things have been fine. Obama won, wewt.

I've fully accepted that I was not placed on this planet to help people. I was designed to tell a story, to tell many stories.

When I help people, the universe pulls me back and gives me a loud swift "NO". The universe has made it clear that I am to stay out of helping people.

I need to focus on myself. I have been.

/sigh

Things are fine.

I am no one. I feel... empty, still. Everything annoys me. Today was fine...

I'm upset. I miss the past. I miss my friends. I miss them jerking me around. I miss the illusion. I really do. ...

FUCK YOU.

...I manifested an extra shot of expresso today.

1. A casted ballot in this year's election.
2. A jackolantern
3. An iced triple grande caramel machiato
4. A good parking spot
5. Completion of a class meeting
6. An online conversation
7. An iced tea
8. 3 rented movies that I really want to see
9. $60
10. Roasted pumpkin seeds

Today was very well actually. I believe it was the list I made.

Here's today's list of good things I manifested:

1. Triple grande vanilla latte.
2. A pumpkin.
3. Trout
4. Completed schoolwork.
5. Dropped with no issues.
6. Wasn't dizzy at all today.
7. Epic song playing on the drive home, total cruising moment.
8. Cool wind in my face.
9. Duckehs!
10. Gorgeous sunset.

Life is grand. =)

Like 2 days ago I came up with this brilliant idea to post 10 things everyday that are positive manifestations.

Positive manifestations = thing I intend to create in my life, or am happy were created. I will get myself out of this funk, even if I have to do it kicking and screaming.

Today is the first day:

1. A pumkin spice latte.
2. Completed all 3 geo labs that were due today.
3. Completed my stat test, and feel good about my work.
4. A letter response from UCF.
5. Snuggle time with Whiskers.
6. Episodes of South Park
7. Episode of Unbeatable Bansuke.
8. Snapple iced tea.
9. This post.

10. The re-creation of living life in every moment. Knowing that everything is being taken care of, the beautiful light waves that enter my eyes, the glorious sound waves that enter my ringing ears. The tasty food that enters my uneasy belly. The softness of the kitty that bites me. The cool air against my face. The heavenly aromas of the outdoors. Life is grand. Truly.

So me and Mariel Petruk had a 3 hour long conversation today. I miss that kid. She's super cool. She spent a month abroad in Italy, I'm really jealous. She manifested something absolutely amazing, such a happy experience. Now she's 21, drinks as she pleases and does well in school and has a bight future in front of her.

Ryan posted a new picture of him playing beer pong with his new roommates while he's up at the college I want to go to. I'm not even allowed to drink, nevertheless get wasted with my new roommates at a college that is going to be a pain in the ass for me to go to.

What have I created? Why have I created this? I feel like Lucy, seriously. Living an unnecesarily difficult life. These are the years I should be happy and... whatever.

"bye (i enjoyed our chat)" - Mariel

... at least that's one positive thing I manifested. A cool person enjoyed talking with me =)

To address my title. I am not using the restroom at this time because I like to shit in solitude, and that isn't an option with all these people running around my house atm. /sigh

Anyway, last night I went out with Lindsay, we saw Eagle Eye, it was very good. Afterwards we went for coffee and we talked about a lot of stuff. I talked about my book, a lot. She thinks it's really interesting.

I hate that I stalk Vanessa's myspace every once in a while. But I do. She posted a video of her and her friend sharing this bong bowl. Vanessa didn't look happy, I mean.. genuinely happy. She laughed and whatnot but... she wasn't eminating a true deep seated peace and happiness. Maybe I'm just seeing what I want to see, maybe I just want her to be miserable for being an ass to me.

--------------------------------------

So I got called away from my computer. The kitties were playing with toys, it was super cute. Now that was eminating genuine happiness =)

My mom, brother, and his fiancee left. I took a shit. I feel better. Whiskers is pawing at me wanting me to give her attention. Fickle cat.

I am installing microsoft word onto my computer today. I'm really going to.

What I feel right now is much more intense than what is actually happening, I'm sure of it. I feel this intense loneliness, this emptiness, this abandonment from the outside world. I am detached from the things around me, not out of enlightenment, but out of numbness.

That's right, I'm detached and feeling intense emotion. It's an odd state.

I feel envy and jealousy. Despise. Loathing. Hate. Disgust.

I want to take all of this out on the people that "deserve" to be sitting where I am. Where am I? Alone in a dark room with no one to talk to that isn't on some online game or in some bullshit government rehab center that will report any signs of unkempt emotion to a higher authority. Fucking beauracracies.

"I don't know why you were so difficult. It seemed really odd, you were particularly difficult. I'm not sure where it came from" -my mother thinking about me when I was a teenager. I was quiet, I knew where it came from. I didn't want to say. No folks, it didn't come from her, or my father, or my brother. It came from something inside me. I'm not getting into it.

My point is, people are overrated. I want to hate them, I really do. I don't. I don't know why.

I hate myself for not hating them.

I don't make much sense. I can hear a sensible person sighing at me as I type this. I hear someone a few years older rolling their eyes and telling me that it's temporary, things will pick up. People getting FUCKING ANNOYED AT ME FOR FEELING WHAT I WANT TO FUCKING FEEL. PEOPLE WALKING AWAY AND ABANDONING ME BECAUSE I FEEL WHAT I FEEL.

I WAS ALWAYS FUCKING THERE FOR PEOPLE WHEN THEY WERE LIKE THIS, WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I NEED FRIENDS THE MOST? THEY FUCKING LEAVE ME BECAUSE I'M "TOO INTENSE" FUCK THAT.

FUCK THAT.

Clearly the universe hears me. I can almost see it clossing its arms, sighing, and shaking its head at me as it thinks "Silly girl, you just don't get it. Do you?"

Some part of me "gets it" another part of me is very afraid. Of what? Only God knows for sure.

I actually don't like that word, God. Because when I see it, I think of the humanized god. The tall man with brown hair and a beard wearing a white robe. That isn't God, that's some made of vision of something very much non-human.

Maybe I'm wrong, maybe there is no God, maybe the "universe" is just my mind stringing things together in a manner that appears to be more than it is. Don't think I haven't thought of that. I most definitely have, especially in times like these.

I've been QQing a little bit to Navy guy just now. He's a nice person, and he understands what I'm going through. He says he's going through something similar. Meh.

I'm just an organism, that has evolved from other organisms. WHY?! WHY THE FUCK IS THERE SOMETHING INSTEAD OF NOTHING?! WTF IS THE GOD DAMN POINT.

My ceiling answers me.

FUCK YO COUCH.

^ a pop culture joke that seemed appropriate.

I write this journal like someone is going to read it someday. Like when I'm a rich and famous author (lol how cliche) people will look back and read this and be amazed at who I really was in my darkest hour. ... I'm not really anything impressive. I mispell a lot of things. My writing ISN'T that amazing. I'm not particularly sweet, I have a decenr hair color and figure, but I'm not drop dead gorgeous.

My body is yelling at me for being so negative. I'm going to stop writing now before I hurt myself... or break the roof or something.

I sit around and what do i do? Nothing. I'm beginning to be filled with envy, and my only current cure for it is arrogance.

Example:

"People, they live their lives, they do things. I'm jealous of them. I shouldn't be. They won't amount to much. Not like me, I have such potential. I have greatness deep within me that I can tap into, and am going to tap into. I will be monumental to this planet."

What a fucking joke. When exactly am I going to so this amazing thing? Why am I going to do it? To help? Or to be great? Seriously.

I'm a joke. My life is a joke.

I need to get out more.

I need to write my book. Or at the very least read books. I'm fucking rediculous.

At least I haven't smoked a cigarette in a while.

Or smoked pot.

Or drank alcohol.

...or exercised.

I'm doing just fine. Been thinking a lot more indepth in my book. Told my online Navy friend about it, hes cool. I had a kinda cool dream last night. It's w/e. Dreams are the only appropriate forum for what I dreamed about last night. That seems to be what the universe has been saying and it's AOK with me.

I'm ready to go home... why am I still out?

...maybe because I'm not really ready to go home.

I'm odd. It's fun.